My father was a good man, maybe not very good at communicating feelings and emotions but, undoubtedly, he was a well-hearted man. He always kept a sincere behavior, an extremely honest behavior. As I was living through the several successive phases of my live, I had different and changing perceptions of him. As a child, a kid, a teenager, a youngster and, finally, a grown up, I saw him, successively, as a great man, a ruler of law, an advisor and, finally, as a man who always sacrificed and cared for me. I owe him huge amounts of love and care, but I will never be able to give him back a tiny amount of it. Not to him, as we usually understand "to him"... as he died from a stubborn cancer.
Although he is not physically among us, he did not leave my life. In fact, he did not even leave this world. He is present. Many times I can feel him, I can feel his presence, his advice, his heritage, and the education he left on me in many diverse forms ... I feel his presence in two main ways.
One way is the education he left on me, the opportunities he gave me, which are the cause of what I am and what I know as a grown up. Also, all these are the reasons why I feel now as an independent and capable person and professional, with the creativity and strength to push forward a personal, professional and business live. This happened thanks to the strong believe of my father and mother that the only inheritance they were able to leave for me was my education (as we were not rich at all, no houses, premises, business, would be inherited by me or my brother).
Another way I can feel his presence is because he is alive in me. I am his son, a part of him, and the result of many years of education and shared life with him where I could learn good (and maybe not that good) things. And I am not talking about the school, college, and other studies he paid for me, which were a big effort to a relatively humble household economy. I am talking about deeper issues. I am talking about Education in values ... those things you can not buy or learn at college. These values are alive in me, and I do recognize them coming from him. To name some: honesty, hard work as the only way to get goals, privacy, respect for the others, family, charity, love for knowledge and books, and the capacity to hold tight to a model of life regardless of "external" forces and influences. In other words, the capacity to be myself and not what others want from me. Although sometimes I fail to these values, I do recognize them in me.
Education and values are his heritagen but also his way to be alive, to remain present. I do not feel he left me, us. I do feel he is always close to me, giving me advice, telling me his opinion, or even telling me when I am wrong or when he dislikes what I do or think. I just have to stop for a while, keep calm, call for him, and he comes to me very fast and in a very clear way. I talk to him, in a sort of humble prayer, telling him my love, explaining him my fears, hassles and problems, and asking for advice or support. And he is there, for sure ... believe me. In a clear and sharp way, I feel him close to me, always listening and always caring. I am never alone if I do not want to be.
During a Christmas Day and luncheon, it is easy to feel some remarkable absences … an empty chair… some silences that used to be filled by his thick voice …
After the Christmas Day, I finally found the time, wit and strength to write this post as a tribute to my daddy Jaime Cos Albiñana, who died just before his 70s, leaving a two sons (Jaume and Joan) and a wonderful lady (Nuria Codina) who was his wife during 41 years.